In a bold first move as President-Elect, Donald J. Trump is doubling down on his 2016 promise to “secure the borders,” this time with an ambitious plan to deport not just undocumented immigrants but also many legal immigrants, naturalized citizens, and anyone who might be “mildly foreign-looking.” Guided by a dream team of immigration hawks—including Border Czar Tom Homan and Homeland Security Advisor Stephen Miller—this anticipated deportation blitz has created an unexpected ripple effect that may usher in a uniquely American labor crisis: a massive shortfall of workers for jobs Americans have traditionally ignored with patriotic fervor.
The President-Elect, never one to shy from a branding opportunity, announced an innovative solution: “Trump University, 2.0.” The rebooted “university” promises a crash course for “Real Americans” to learn skills previously filled by deported immigrants, from grape-picking to janitorial work. Trump was quick to reassure supporters that this effort was all about “giving Americans a chance to do the jobs they never thought they’d ever have to do, but now totally want to.” Courses will cover basics in fields like agriculture, sanitation, and the meatpacking arts.
“Now that we’re planning to deport all the vineyard pickers and busboys, we’re giving Americans the chance to go back to basics,” Trump said at the press conference. “With Trump University 2.0, everyone can learn the time-honored tradition of harvesting oranges or, you know, washing dishes.”
But the pivot has not come without controversy. With deportation flights expected to run near-constantly and over one million people anticipated to be removed from U.S. soil in the first 6-months, ICE has reported a 40% spike in calls from confused Americans reporting their own immigrant neighbors, only to realize that these neighbors were, in fact, born in Cincinnati. “Listen, if your last name has a ‘Z’ in it, you might as well be on a plane to somewhere,” laughed Tom Homan, who noted that “mistaken deportations are just the nature of getting rid of people in bulk.”
Private prison companies have seized the opportunity, repurposing vast tracts of land into pick-your-own produce farms in anticipation of skyrocketing grocery prices. “Without immigrant labor, the price of a basic apple will shoot up to $15,” noted Greg Stokes, CEO of Nationally Detained Foods, a new produce brand set up by GEO Group, a major private prison operator. “Now, Americans can pick their own apples for only a small entrance fee and minor waiver. And for an extra $50, they can bring the kids to ‘Milk Your Own Cow.’”
Stephen Miller expressed optimism about “a new American independence from immigrant labor” and the expected cultural shift that will make ditch-digging and tomato-picking appealing. “This isn’t just about the economy,” he said with a smile. “It’s about heritage, it’s about hard work, it’s about reminding everyone what it means to be born on the right soil.”
Many Americans, however, are still adapting to the new lifestyle changes this plan has already ushered in. Connie Swanson, a self-described “typical Republican” from Tulsa, Oklahoma, expressed mixed feelings. “I mean, I was all for kicking them out. But now my gardener has already left, and my yard looks like a jungle. They say I can learn trash recycling in this new university, but…well, I have weak hands, and honestly, I just didn’t think I’d ever have to be this hands-on.”
Meanwhile, conservative talk radio hosts are rallying behind the policy, declaring that the only thing needed to get Americans enthusiastic about these jobs is to “make it feel like a gym membership.” One popular new class at Trump University, “Patriotic Manual Labor 101,” has been strategically rebranded as “CrossFit: Freedom Edition,” with entire circuits dedicated to push-mowing lawns, shoveling gravel, and operating jackhammers. The launch has been so successful that even fitness influencers are streaming their backyard farming routines on social media, adding hashtags like #WeThePeopleWeed and #RedWhiteAndHoe.
But the biggest surprise may come from Trump’s own supporters, who are rallying around what they call “a return to American grit.” Thousands of Trump voters have signed up for “patriotic sewing parties,” where they are learning the fine art of sewing, “like the Founding Fathers.”
There are some bumps in the road, of course. Despite initial excitement, it turns out there is no federal budget to fund the mass training, leaving many Americans paying out-of-pocket for their Trump University education and specialized gear. “It’s a little weird,” admitted Todd Simmons from Boise, Idaho, who found himself repurposing his “MAGA” cap into a sun hat for the “American Farm Labor 101” course he had to finance. “But hey, whatever it takes. Besides, you know, learning to cut my own grass has been a humbling experience.”
Meanwhile, with tomatoes expected to pile up in fields across the country, there’s debate within the incoming Trump administration on allowing “some temporary workers back in,” but only if they promise not to overstay and pick a set minimum of 50 tomatoes per minute. As the American Dream faces this odd twist, sources confirm that Stephen Miller is exploring “selective re-immigration” policies, rebranded as Chattal Slavery 2.0, for individuals with expertise in food production, construction, and childcare. “We may let some of them back in if we run out of interns,” Miller said, “but we’ll make it as miserable as possible.”
As Americans find themselves juggling “self-laboring” lifestyles, Trump’s next big policy push is already in the works: a “Make America Grow Again” initiative that encourages household toilet-to-manure programs to “restore American farming spirit.” Critics argue that the country has simply swapped dependency on immigrant labor for dependency on YouTube tutorials and manure. But, as one supporter put it, “If this isn’t American resilience, I don’t know what is.”
